To better understand the time line and my way of thinking and my reaction. I need to quickly explain some things.
I left an abusive marriage on June 12th 2008 (We don't blog about him)
On my sister's birthday oddly enough. I then went through this period of my life where I put every thing I had into feeling exactly the opposite of the way I felt during that time.
Those feelings were:
So I had a coupon from my work for a hair cut and color at a salon in town. So I went and bore my heart out to my stylist, made a good friend and came out blonde and with bangs. (No one recognized me after she was done. NO ONE. lol, Which is what I wanted really.) To this day I still adore her.
Then I went out and bought makeup. I made it a competition actually. Relatively unknown in Olympic circles unfortunately as I would have had a definite win. I went and replaced the drab "High school left overs" / "What he wanted me to be's" hanging in my closet. With cute shirts and jeans and dresses. (and SHOES!!)
I then went out and made a thousand friends. Shopping friends, Work friends, Church friends, Wednesday friends, Friday friends, Whatever friends, Whenever friends. More to prove a point to myself then too .....have friends.
Then I got tough. I got callused and I hid a lot of feelings. I acted like things didn't bother me when they did and acted nonchalant about everything. To quote an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I played it cucumber. As in cool as a...
Mostly because I refused to be taken advantage of again. No one was ever going to make me feel the way I felt. I was never going to feel Used, Ugly, Stupid or taken advantage of ever again. No one was ever getting that close again to even be able to try to. Ever again.
....then I met Josh....
...and It was really hard......
.....you've probably never heard anyone say it was hard to fall in love.....but it was for me....
not because of him or anything he did. Just because of what I had gone through and the damage I have.
So after all that. Here's our first "I Love You."
I had just worked a six hour shift at my job. So I bought us lunch and met Josh in the parking lot in front of our building. For a car picnic. :)
You know sometimes how you have conversations in your head? Where your both sides of the of the conversation? And it just runs on about things. I was on my 2nd week of exactly that and it was just getting louder. It was more like The Defense and The Prosecution. Then the Judge and Jury all in there talking and bantering. It was going something like this.
Brain: You like him.
Me: What?! No.
Brain: Oh Yeah. You do.
Me: No way.
Brain: Oh yeah. You like him. ALOT.
Me: mmmm no.
Brain: Oh yeah. You tots wanna have his curly haired children
Brain: Oh. You know who.
Me: I don't Josh what your talking about.
Defense: Objection your honor!
Me: uhh. no.
Me: Nope. Not possible.
Prosecution: Why is that?
Me: Because he doesn't even think about me like that.
Jury: What about the text he sent you. Saying he liked you?
Prosecution: What about when he blushes when you walk by?
Judge: Yeah I've seen that to.
Me: Watch it Judge!
Brain: What about that one friend that he told that he wanted to ask you out?
Me: Which time?
Brain: HA! See!
Jury: You wanna marry him, and have him some babies, and take his last name, and bake him cake, and kiss his face!!!! I knew it!
Me: That's crazy talk.
Brain: It's so true. She totally thinks about it.
Me: Why would I ever be that stupid again? So like I love him? What's that? Like who does that?
Brain: Um "who does that?" like...besides everybody?
Me: No... I don't believe in "Love" Men are dogs and once you're in a relationship. They lie or cheat or hurt you and then try to change you. Or get tired of you. Or use and abuse you. For some reason, no one wants me. I only date for free food. You. know that! WE. know that! No one puts baby in the corner! Remember??
Brain: ok. so maybe it used to be like that. but what if it's different this time?
Me: Like what's "Different" He's a boy. I'm a girl. We like each other. What's the difference? They all start this way. They all end that way.
Judge: So you like him.
Me: ....I like him....
Prosecution: A lot?
Brain:...You love him...Alot...
Me: i love him a lot
Me: ...I wanna marry him...
Defense: badgering of the witness your honor!!!
And on it would go....and go. But through all that I'm trying to keep a lid on it and stay cucumber and nonchalant. So it had been a bad day. I bring him his lunch. We eat and have a great time. Then he says. "Well I better head back."
So I'm like " K. Bye! I love you"....
and he stops dead in his tracks.....
like he was leaning towards the door, about to lift his butt off the seat to stand up and get out.
and he looks at me with his beautiful soulful brown eyes....
and leans back in.
and I panic....because I have just blown my cover...
So I start to blabber...
...And go into DefCon 1 mode and a full retreat at the same time. So I start to apologize. I say
"I mean haha sorry hah. That slipped off....uh.. out. Haha. I don't want to weird things up. Hah. that wasn't what I meant. Haha.ya know... mess them up... haha "
(I try to open my door.)
(..but that doesn't register..)
(I still keep trying to open it anyway.)
"..between us. haha."
(and I'm in the driver's seat)
(and it's my own car, I'm trying to leave)
So to recap: I have just dropped the L-bomb on the boy I have been kinda obsessing over for the last 2 weeks. Not just obsessing over him. Obsessing over Marrying him AND spending our lives together. The boy I haven't kissed or told anyone my feelings for yet. Because I was scared. Scared to love him. Scared to share him. Scared to make it real. Scared to be vulnerable again. Scared that now that I have realized all this. Something had to happen. Something had to change, it was going to change, a conversation had to happen now and I was afraid of it hurting. Hurting so much. Oh. And now after I have dropped said "Love you. Need you. Want to Husband you." Nuclear Bunker Buster on/all over him. I am now viciously trying to exit the vehicle. MY vehicle, that I'm driving, that I drove up in. Furiously trying to work that handle. Trying to get out. Like I owe him money. Like there is a dead body in the trunk. Like we are at the mall and he is trying to sell me lotion or get me to take a survey at a kiosk.
So then I look back at him and his eyes have gone from me to my hand on the handle.
Then I say. "You don't have to say it back" (but I wanted him to) I look at him and he is looking at my hand still viciously trying to work the door lock.
And then I stop completely...all systems fail. I admit defeat and all I can squeak out is a small. "...sorry ....I know things change when people say that. And I don't want to weird you out or anything."....
and I turn away. Trying to prepare for the letdown, the break up awkward non-committal talk that he will surely give me.
Then Josh says.
"I love you too....And everything's going to be okay."
...and I believe him.
He then reaches out to me and wraps his arms around me and holds me and I feel still and safe. I feel a relief wash over me. Then I break down. I cry. I cry hard right into his chest. Because all I've ever wanted is for someone to love me. I cry uncontrollable sobs on his uniform, an ugly deep, emotional cry. With snot and slobber and all sorts of mascara and hair stuck to the sides of my face with tears. And he just holds me. And we just sit for a while until I can stop crying. I'm about to try to break the ice by saying something funny. (Like I do) something like. "Heey Sorry about all that crazy that just spilled all over...wahaha" Or something else lame. Then he says to me.
"Do you ever think about getting married?"
I say. "Uhm...Yeah....a lot actually. ...today even."
Then somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a gavel and a judge say.