We're Moving or well...that is... Josh is moving...I'm staying here. :/
To Arizona!
Josh got into a school down there and he reports for orientation Jan 15th!
Soup to nuts and everything in between.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Everybody poops....Especially on Thanksgivng...
So when ever I think of Josh and I's first Thanksgiving as Man and Wife I think of this story.
Which is funny because Josh says it didn't happen on Thanksgiving. I could have sworn it was on Thanksgiving tho. Because Jeff and Samantha weren't there and they spent their first Thanksgiving with his family and then spent Christmas with us and Maria and Jared Spent Christmas in Utah and Thanksgiving with us. Josh says no that it happen after Jeff and Sammy's Boise Reception and that's why they weren't there. I've always told it as a Thanksgiving story and Josh always tries to correct me but this be hows I tells it.
Adam my beloved brother with Autism is very blunt. And doesn't always get kidding around and joking. He especially has a hard time taking a joke aimed in his honor. Especially from certain people. My brother in law Jared is one. Adam having grown up with all girls is not used to the way boys play around with each other. And Jared is a total dude. Get what I'm saying?
Another thing about Adam is his... um... potty breaks?
They are long or frequent and a lot of times both. A good amount of the time emergent as well. Any time we go out to eat it's never a surprise to see a suddenly dropped plate spinning in front of the seat Adam had been sitting in.
It's common for a lot of individuals with Autism to have Gastro Intestinal tract issues.
I call them Potty Problems.
Adam has this.
And he was having this... the night Jared and Josh where going out to bring things in from the car at my moms house. The main floor bathroom is right next to the side entrance door and is the busiest bathroom in the place. Adam had been its main occupant for a wee bit this night and when he came out. Jokester Jared says."Geeez Adam you stink!" (a phrase Adam himself has offendedly said many times to dad, the dog, barking spiders.)
But Adam was absolutely MORTIFIED.
He couldn't say anything.
He could only offer up embarrassed and offended noises of indignation.
He then went straight to Maria for words of comfort (and probably to tell on Jared.)
Maria then says to Adam. "Oh Adam, tell Jared every body poops."
Adam then pushes Josh out of his path while hoofing it to the side door Jared had just exited out of. Wild West kicks it open and screams at the top of his lungs out in to our quiet neighborhood culdesac.
"EeeVEERY BODY POOPS! JAAAAARRRREEEED!!!!!!"
...
........ then quietly comes back inside. Walks up the stairs to his room. Shuts his door. Starts watching a movie.
Having totally had permission from Maria and even been given the words to say. There wasn't really anything anyone could say to him. Plus it was absolutely hysterical.
We still laugh when Jared tells the story from the outside of the house. Suddenly hearing Adam kick open the door and giving him a piece of his mind and then hearing it echo down our street. I can't imagine what the neighbors thought when we moved in. It was a neighborhood containing mostly retired piano teachers and an elderly swimming instructor and 1 family with 2 quiet well behaved children. Oh goodness. I wonder what they think the story is behind Adams outburst.
Which is funny because Josh says it didn't happen on Thanksgiving. I could have sworn it was on Thanksgiving tho. Because Jeff and Samantha weren't there and they spent their first Thanksgiving with his family and then spent Christmas with us and Maria and Jared Spent Christmas in Utah and Thanksgiving with us. Josh says no that it happen after Jeff and Sammy's Boise Reception and that's why they weren't there. I've always told it as a Thanksgiving story and Josh always tries to correct me but this be hows I tells it.
Adam my beloved brother with Autism is very blunt. And doesn't always get kidding around and joking. He especially has a hard time taking a joke aimed in his honor. Especially from certain people. My brother in law Jared is one. Adam having grown up with all girls is not used to the way boys play around with each other. And Jared is a total dude. Get what I'm saying?
Another thing about Adam is his... um... potty breaks?
They are long or frequent and a lot of times both. A good amount of the time emergent as well. Any time we go out to eat it's never a surprise to see a suddenly dropped plate spinning in front of the seat Adam had been sitting in.
It's common for a lot of individuals with Autism to have Gastro Intestinal tract issues.
I call them Potty Problems.
Adam has this.
And he was having this... the night Jared and Josh where going out to bring things in from the car at my moms house. The main floor bathroom is right next to the side entrance door and is the busiest bathroom in the place. Adam had been its main occupant for a wee bit this night and when he came out. Jokester Jared says."Geeez Adam you stink!" (a phrase Adam himself has offendedly said many times to dad, the dog, barking spiders.)
But Adam was absolutely MORTIFIED.
He couldn't say anything.
He could only offer up embarrassed and offended noises of indignation.
He then went straight to Maria for words of comfort (and probably to tell on Jared.)
Maria then says to Adam. "Oh Adam, tell Jared every body poops."
Adam then pushes Josh out of his path while hoofing it to the side door Jared had just exited out of. Wild West kicks it open and screams at the top of his lungs out in to our quiet neighborhood culdesac.
"EeeVEERY BODY POOPS! JAAAAARRRREEEED!!!!!!"
...
........ then quietly comes back inside. Walks up the stairs to his room. Shuts his door. Starts watching a movie.
Having totally had permission from Maria and even been given the words to say. There wasn't really anything anyone could say to him. Plus it was absolutely hysterical.
We still laugh when Jared tells the story from the outside of the house. Suddenly hearing Adam kick open the door and giving him a piece of his mind and then hearing it echo down our street. I can't imagine what the neighbors thought when we moved in. It was a neighborhood containing mostly retired piano teachers and an elderly swimming instructor and 1 family with 2 quiet well behaved children. Oh goodness. I wonder what they think the story is behind Adams outburst.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Mind. Blown.
Josh just told me. In a casual manner. That he has only seen a "few" episodes of Star Trek...(?).. .none of the movies either.........and I just don't know what to do.
......how can I even begin to explain.
There is to much....
...it feels so wrong...
This is bigger than me. For I am only one (Wo)man.
With any epic story. It must start at the beginning.
He even said Star War Trek! To my very own face you guys!!! Like he doesn't even know the difference!!!
I covenanted with him to watch all the movies TOGETHER as a family from the start. I told him he didn't have to watch the series. (But I want to!) because it may actually take us years as it is. But he said he would. (Whew!)
I remember watching the original Star trek reruns on Sunday nights at my Grandma Nada's house. and it killed when dad said we had to leave before the episode was over. Tantrum worthy even. I am actually really excited to be able to do this together.
We are totally Embarking on an Epic Journey and I am Joshes guide.
......how can I even begin to explain.
There is to much....
...it feels so wrong...
This is bigger than me. For I am only one (Wo)man.
With any epic story. It must start at the beginning.
He even said Star War Trek! To my very own face you guys!!! Like he doesn't even know the difference!!!
I covenanted with him to watch all the movies TOGETHER as a family from the start. I told him he didn't have to watch the series. (But I want to!) because it may actually take us years as it is. But he said he would. (Whew!)
I remember watching the original Star trek reruns on Sunday nights at my Grandma Nada's house. and it killed when dad said we had to leave before the episode was over. Tantrum worthy even. I am actually really excited to be able to do this together.
We are totally Embarking on an Epic Journey and I am Joshes guide.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Our new baby
Someone once said. "Babies are very healing." There is something about being depended on by something soo precious and innocent. It takes you beyond yourself and helps you let the unimportant things align back to were they belong. For me I never thought it'd be so furry and poop in a box......(Did I tell you?? SHE POOPS IN A BOX!!!) It's so cute!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.........me?
!!!!!
It's Ma Birthday Today!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
My dear brother Adam.
I haven't really talked about my brother yet. He is one of the greatest things in my life. I have scores of stories about him. I need to be better about sharing them and writing them all down. I promise to be better.
Some of you already know Adam and If you've ever heard an Adam story you know that to really get them sometimes you just have to know Adam. He's a real treat. Adam has high functioning Autism (which is different from Aspergers.) he is the only boy out of 6 children. He sits at #4 in the ranking order. He has a funny loving and caring personality. He loves movies. Especially Disney movies and musicals. He loves to be goofy and to joke around with his friends and family. He can also be very literal. He likes to gives hugs and Is very social compared to other autistic individuals. He is very forgiving and has a tender heart.
I found some basic info on Autism that I felt was applicable to Adam that I've shared below.
In general, people with High Functioning Autism tend to make fairly frequent social mistakes because of and involving their inability to accurately predict someone else's thoughts, feelings or reactions to something, in the same ways as the non autistic person. They may also forget to use many of the basic social pleasantries (e.g. forgetting to knock before entering a room; or when greeted with "how are you?" they may not reciprocate by following on to ask how the other person is).
Another problem they face would be their naive understanding of social interaction may cause them to be overly trusting of all people and thus, more vulnerable to being manipulated by others. They may then be considered as lacking "common sense".
The autistic person may appear somewhat removed or disconnected at times, especially when placed in situations where they experience sensory overload, or when they are placed in settings of extreme social pressure, such as during a party, or in a crowded bar. Additionally, they may make only limited levels of eye contact, even during one-on-one encounters, which can then lead to them being labelled as being "shy". (Adam is very social. But on occasion he can be very removed and seclude himself.)
People with High Functioning Autism normally will like routine and order. These traits may be seen as early as childhood (e.g.: as a child organizing movies in a certain order). They may also limit their daily choice of clothing to only a select few choices. (Royal Blue shirt anyone?)
When a person with High Functioning Autism is interested in a particular task or subject area, they will often work on it intently. If uninterested or they lose interest for some reason, they may just ignore the task all together, or maybe try to change it to reflect one of their personal interests, or perhaps only do the "bare minimum" required to complete the task. With High Functioning Autism, the preferred method of working may be to produce a complete rough structure, or draft first, and then to focus intently on taking it through many incremental revisions until the task is completed.
So here is our story.
Sunday September 4th was Joshes Birthday and the 8th was my neices and on Monday my family all went out to eat at Golden Corral. (Joshes fave.) In their honor. Adam is very perticular about his hair. (I should have known this him growing up with all girls and all.) With him being the only boy its hard to remmember that boys get frequent hair cuts. He likes it short on the sides and a little longer in front and on top so he can spike it up to make a "Fender" Like his buddy. So I would either take him to a lady and get it done or I would do it myself. And Adam has come into the habit of saying to me. "Is it maybe time for a hair cut maybe?" Which translates to. "haircut please." So after we get back from eating he asked about it. I told him I didn't have my clippers with me. But he said he thought he had some so he digs them out and I put the guide on and start to shave away. (It had grown really long.)
Well I noticed that it wasn't cutting very well so I turn them off and re-attach the guide and try again. Then out of the corner of my eye I see Adam making this face in the mirror like a sour/silent bitter beer face scream while I run the clippers through his hair.
So I'm like "Adam! Does it hurt?!?" he says " yeah... kinda." So I say "Well you gotta tell me honey. " Good thing I saw his face. Else he would have had a super painful hair cut. So I grease it up and start slower and he makes the one eyed sour/silent scream face again. So I look closer at the clippers and see they are just vibrating and making noise but the clipper teeth arn't moving back and forth which actually cuts the hair. So I tell him. "Bud I'm sorry they aren't working." So he says "Maybe we could borrow Rachel's clippers?" in a panicky please please please voice. So I ask my sister Rachel about borrowing her clippers. She consented but before we left to go get them I ask Adam "Do you want to wear a trash bag so you don't get all itchy during the hair cut?" he says "Oh yes!" So I get him one and tell him "Go cut a hole for your head to fit through" Because I distinctly remember him trying to pop through the bottom of a garbage bag and it ending up in a battle of wills and the picture of poor Adams squeezed stretched out face finally breaking through the bottom of the bag will never leave my memory. So I distinctly tell him. Cut a hole for head and arms. So he goes and does just exactly as I ask and brings me this.
Adam takes a lot of his social cues from trying to read faces and he will study yours and if he doesn't understand it. It makes him nervous. Adam can be insecure at times and he worries when he might have got something wrong. So he brings me this...garbage dress? Apron? Jumper thing and he's like. See! holes. Head and Arm holes. Just like you said. I'm a good boy. So when he saw the look on my face....he got confused as well. All I could say was "....oh....well....okay....it won't keep out much hair.....is that okay?" So then he was like. "uh.... oh.... uh..." so I told him "well we can make another one or you can wear this?" He quickly said. "This one." (Like Ummm duh! I tots love this one! kinda voice) I told him okay.... Go show mom first though. Mom and Rachel had the same reaction I did. "Oh....Okay...Your cutting his hair here inside right?...well okay....looks good."
My mom is a seamstress and has made many dresses for us though out the years. So Adam I'm sure has seen patterns around the house. So maybe that's along the lines he was thinking. It really was cut so well and precise and fit his arms, brought out the color of his eye's........ It gave me such a hardy laugh. I Enjoy Adam so much.
XOXO ~Nan~
Some of you already know Adam and If you've ever heard an Adam story you know that to really get them sometimes you just have to know Adam. He's a real treat. Adam has high functioning Autism (which is different from Aspergers.) he is the only boy out of 6 children. He sits at #4 in the ranking order. He has a funny loving and caring personality. He loves movies. Especially Disney movies and musicals. He loves to be goofy and to joke around with his friends and family. He can also be very literal. He likes to gives hugs and Is very social compared to other autistic individuals. He is very forgiving and has a tender heart.
I found some basic info on Autism that I felt was applicable to Adam that I've shared below.
In general, people with High Functioning Autism tend to make fairly frequent social mistakes because of and involving their inability to accurately predict someone else's thoughts, feelings or reactions to something, in the same ways as the non autistic person. They may also forget to use many of the basic social pleasantries (e.g. forgetting to knock before entering a room; or when greeted with "how are you?" they may not reciprocate by following on to ask how the other person is).
Another problem they face would be their naive understanding of social interaction may cause them to be overly trusting of all people and thus, more vulnerable to being manipulated by others. They may then be considered as lacking "common sense".
The autistic person may appear somewhat removed or disconnected at times, especially when placed in situations where they experience sensory overload, or when they are placed in settings of extreme social pressure, such as during a party, or in a crowded bar. Additionally, they may make only limited levels of eye contact, even during one-on-one encounters, which can then lead to them being labelled as being "shy". (Adam is very social. But on occasion he can be very removed and seclude himself.)
People with High Functioning Autism normally will like routine and order. These traits may be seen as early as childhood (e.g.: as a child organizing movies in a certain order). They may also limit their daily choice of clothing to only a select few choices. (Royal Blue shirt anyone?)
When a person with High Functioning Autism is interested in a particular task or subject area, they will often work on it intently. If uninterested or they lose interest for some reason, they may just ignore the task all together, or maybe try to change it to reflect one of their personal interests, or perhaps only do the "bare minimum" required to complete the task. With High Functioning Autism, the preferred method of working may be to produce a complete rough structure, or draft first, and then to focus intently on taking it through many incremental revisions until the task is completed.
So here is our story.
Sunday September 4th was Joshes Birthday and the 8th was my neices and on Monday my family all went out to eat at Golden Corral. (Joshes fave.) In their honor. Adam is very perticular about his hair. (I should have known this him growing up with all girls and all.) With him being the only boy its hard to remmember that boys get frequent hair cuts. He likes it short on the sides and a little longer in front and on top so he can spike it up to make a "Fender" Like his buddy. So I would either take him to a lady and get it done or I would do it myself. And Adam has come into the habit of saying to me. "Is it maybe time for a hair cut maybe?" Which translates to. "haircut please." So after we get back from eating he asked about it. I told him I didn't have my clippers with me. But he said he thought he had some so he digs them out and I put the guide on and start to shave away. (It had grown really long.)
Well I noticed that it wasn't cutting very well so I turn them off and re-attach the guide and try again. Then out of the corner of my eye I see Adam making this face in the mirror like a sour/silent bitter beer face scream while I run the clippers through his hair.
Adam takes a lot of his social cues from trying to read faces and he will study yours and if he doesn't understand it. It makes him nervous. Adam can be insecure at times and he worries when he might have got something wrong. So he brings me this...garbage dress? Apron? Jumper thing and he's like. See! holes. Head and Arm holes. Just like you said. I'm a good boy. So when he saw the look on my face....he got confused as well. All I could say was "....oh....well....okay....it won't keep out much hair.....is that okay?" So then he was like. "uh.... oh.... uh..." so I told him "well we can make another one or you can wear this?" He quickly said. "This one." (Like Ummm duh! I tots love this one! kinda voice) I told him okay.... Go show mom first though. Mom and Rachel had the same reaction I did. "Oh....Okay...Your cutting his hair here inside right?...well okay....looks good."
My mom is a seamstress and has made many dresses for us though out the years. So Adam I'm sure has seen patterns around the house. So maybe that's along the lines he was thinking. It really was cut so well and precise and fit his arms, brought out the color of his eye's........ It gave me such a hardy laugh. I Enjoy Adam so much.
XOXO ~Nan~
Sunday, September 4, 2011
HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY EVER SWEETTTY!!
It's Joshes Birthday today! He turned a whopping 24 years old. SO excited. He's catching up with me. (Kinda?) Only if I in turn didn't age along with him. Hmmmm..... I remember I was so scared when I was falling in love with a him. (a younger man.) Because I feel so old and tired and always like no one would want me. I thought who would wanna hold hands with grandma wifey all day? ( I need to add here though that If I could now. I would absolutley hold hands with either of my Grandma's. All day in fact.) But I wouldn't be married to her. So it's different.
But today sweety I am so glad age doesn't bother you. And only slightly startles others.
You are my world you are my everything you are my strength. My best friend and the only one to get me. Words can't describe the joy in my heart when I see your face. Or when I make you smile. I'm so glad we get to be Mommy and Dadddy to 2 beautiful kitties. I'm so lucky you are wanting and willing to take care of all of us, I am so Thankful for you and your Wonderful family. I've loved every moment we've shared together. I love that you love my family. And I'm really glad you love me to.
I Love You Darling. Happy Birthday.
XOXO Grandma Wifey
p.s. I'm really sorry about the shirt with no sleeve buttons. I will do better next year. Promise.
But today sweety I am so glad age doesn't bother you. And only slightly startles others.
You are my world you are my everything you are my strength. My best friend and the only one to get me. Words can't describe the joy in my heart when I see your face. Or when I make you smile. I'm so glad we get to be Mommy and Dadddy to 2 beautiful kitties. I'm so lucky you are wanting and willing to take care of all of us, I am so Thankful for you and your Wonderful family. I've loved every moment we've shared together. I love that you love my family. And I'm really glad you love me to.
I Love You Darling. Happy Birthday.
XOXO Grandma Wifey
p.s. I'm really sorry about the shirt with no sleeve buttons. I will do better next year. Promise.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A little perspective...
In case your in need of help picking your battles. Or you really hate towels. Either way a really good read.
There are quite possibly some naughty words... So be warned.
http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/
There are quite possibly some naughty words... So be warned.
http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/
This is how I feel about shoes.
I'm glad someone else feels this way. About shoes and being a woman and everything else she said.
To say the least I concur.
http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/
I also like this one.
http://thebloggess.com/2010/08/red-dress-revisited/
To say the least I concur.
http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/
I also like this one.
http://thebloggess.com/2010/08/red-dress-revisited/
Friday, August 26, 2011
How the I love you's came about...
I promised this story a while back. It's of course... about Josh and I. It's very special to me and I hope the wonderfulness of this story translates well to our blog readers.
To better understand the time line and my way of thinking and my reaction. I need to quickly explain some things.
I left an abusive marriage on June 12th 2008 (We don't blog about him)
On my sister's birthday oddly enough. I then went through this period of my life where I put every thing I had into feeling exactly the opposite of the way I felt during that time.
Those feelings were:
So I had a coupon from my work for a hair cut and color at a salon in town. So I went and bore my heart out to my stylist, made a good friend and came out blonde and with bangs. (No one recognized me after she was done. NO ONE. lol, Which is what I wanted really.) To this day I still adore her.
Then I went out and bought makeup. I made it a competition actually. Relatively unknown in Olympic circles unfortunately as I would have had a definite win. I went and replaced the drab "High school left overs" / "What he wanted me to be's" hanging in my closet. With cute shirts and jeans and dresses. (and SHOES!!)
I then went out and made a thousand friends. Shopping friends, Work friends, Church friends, Wednesday friends, Friday friends, Whatever friends, Whenever friends. More to prove a point to myself then too .....have friends.
Then I got tough. I got callused and I hid a lot of feelings. I acted like things didn't bother me when they did and acted nonchalant about everything. To quote an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I played it cucumber. As in cool as a...
Mostly because I refused to be taken advantage of again. No one was ever going to make me feel the way I felt. I was never going to feel Used, Ugly, Stupid or taken advantage of ever again. No one was ever getting that close again to even be able to try to. Ever again.
....then I met Josh....
...and It was really hard......
.....you've probably never heard anyone say it was hard to fall in love.....but it was for me....
not because of him or anything he did. Just because of what I had gone through and the damage I have.
So after all that. Here's our first "I Love You."
I had just worked a six hour shift at my job. So I bought us lunch and met Josh in the parking lot in front of our building. For a car picnic. :)
You know sometimes how you have conversations in your head? Where your both sides of the of the conversation? And it just runs on about things. I was on my 2nd week of exactly that and it was just getting louder. It was more like The Defense and The Prosecution. Then the Judge and Jury all in there talking and bantering. It was going something like this.
Brain: You like him.
Me: What?! No.
Brain: Oh Yeah. You do.
Me: No way.
Brain: Oh yeah. You like him. ALOT.
Me: mmmm no.
Brain: Oh yeah. You tots wanna have his curly haired children
Me: Who?
Brain: Oh. You know who.
Me: I don't Josh what your talking about.
Brain: AHAH!
Defense: Objection your honor!
Judge: Sustained.
Me: uhh. no.
Brain: C'mon.
Me: Nope. Not possible.
Prosecution: Why is that?
Me: Because he doesn't even think about me like that.
Jury: What about the text he sent you. Saying he liked you?
Prosecution: What about when he blushes when you walk by?
Judge: Yeah I've seen that to.
Me: Watch it Judge!
Brain: What about that one friend that he told that he wanted to ask you out?
Me: Which time?
Brain: HA! See!
Me:....
Defense: Objection!
Jury: You wanna marry him, and have him some babies, and take his last name, and bake him cake, and kiss his face!!!! I knew it!
Me: That's crazy talk.
Brain: It's so true. She totally thinks about it.
Me: BRAIN!
Me: Why would I ever be that stupid again? So like I love him? What's that? Like who does that?
Brain: Um "who does that?" like...besides everybody?
Me: No... I don't believe in "Love" Men are dogs and once you're in a relationship. They lie or cheat or hurt you and then try to change you. Or get tired of you. Or use and abuse you. For some reason, no one wants me. I only date for free food. You. know that! WE. know that! No one puts baby in the corner! Remember??
Brain: ok. so maybe it used to be like that. but what if it's different this time?
Me: Like what's "Different" He's a boy. I'm a girl. We like each other. What's the difference? They all start this way. They all end that way.
Judge: So you like him.
Me: ....I like him....
Prosecution: A lot?
Me: .....ALOT....
Defense:...ummm...
Me:...crap...
Brain:...You love him...Alot...
Me: i love him a lot
Brain: ...and...
Me: ...I wanna marry him...
Defense: badgering of the witness your honor!!!
And on it would go....and go. But through all that I'm trying to keep a lid on it and stay cucumber and nonchalant. So it had been a bad day. I bring him his lunch. We eat and have a great time. Then he says. "Well I better head back."
So I'm like " K. Bye! I love you"....
and he stops dead in his tracks.....
like he was leaning towards the door, about to lift his butt off the seat to stand up and get out.
and he looks at me with his beautiful soulful brown eyes....
and leans back in.
and I panic....because I have just blown my cover...
So I start to blabber...
...And go into DefCon 1 mode and a full retreat at the same time. So I start to apologize. I say
"I mean haha sorry hah. That slipped off....uh.. out. Haha. I don't want to weird things up. Hah. that wasn't what I meant. Haha.ya know... mess them up... haha "
(I try to open my door.)
"haah..."
(it's locked.)
" haha..."
(..but that doesn't register..)
"...um hahha...uh...
(I still keep trying to open it anyway.)
"..between us. haha."
(and I'm in the driver's seat)
" haaa..."
(and it's my own car, I'm trying to leave)
So to recap: I have just dropped the L-bomb on the boy I have been kinda obsessing over for the last 2 weeks. Not just obsessing over him. Obsessing over Marrying him AND spending our lives together. The boy I haven't kissed or told anyone my feelings for yet. Because I was scared. Scared to love him. Scared to share him. Scared to make it real. Scared to be vulnerable again. Scared that now that I have realized all this. Something had to happen. Something had to change, it was going to change, a conversation had to happen now and I was afraid of it hurting. Hurting so much. Oh. And now after I have dropped said "Love you. Need you. Want to Husband you." Nuclear Bunker Buster on/all over him. I am now viciously trying to exit the vehicle. MY vehicle, that I'm driving, that I drove up in. Furiously trying to work that handle. Trying to get out. Like I owe him money. Like there is a dead body in the trunk. Like we are at the mall and he is trying to sell me lotion or get me to take a survey at a kiosk.
So then I look back at him and his eyes have gone from me to my hand on the handle.
Then I say. "You don't have to say it back" (but I wanted him to) I look at him and he is looking at my hand still viciously trying to work the door lock.
And then I stop completely...all systems fail. I admit defeat and all I can squeak out is a small. "...sorry ....I know things change when people say that. And I don't want to weird you out or anything."....
and I turn away. Trying to prepare for the letdown, the break up awkward non-committal talk that he will surely give me.
Then Josh says.
"I love you too....And everything's going to be okay."
...and I believe him.
He then reaches out to me and wraps his arms around me and holds me and I feel still and safe. I feel a relief wash over me. Then I break down. I cry. I cry hard right into his chest. Because all I've ever wanted is for someone to love me. I cry uncontrollable sobs on his uniform, an ugly deep, emotional cry. With snot and slobber and all sorts of mascara and hair stuck to the sides of my face with tears. And he just holds me. And we just sit for a while until I can stop crying. I'm about to try to break the ice by saying something funny. (Like I do) something like. "Heey Sorry about all that crazy that just spilled all over...wahaha" Or something else lame. Then he says to me.
"Do you ever think about getting married?"
I say. "Uhm...Yeah....a lot actually. ...today even."
Then somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a gavel and a judge say.
"Case Dismissed!!"
To better understand the time line and my way of thinking and my reaction. I need to quickly explain some things.
I left an abusive marriage on June 12th 2008 (We don't blog about him)
On my sister's birthday oddly enough. I then went through this period of my life where I put every thing I had into feeling exactly the opposite of the way I felt during that time.
Those feelings were:
- Ugly
- Stupid
- Unwanted
- Weak
- Unlovable
So I had a coupon from my work for a hair cut and color at a salon in town. So I went and bore my heart out to my stylist, made a good friend and came out blonde and with bangs. (No one recognized me after she was done. NO ONE. lol, Which is what I wanted really.) To this day I still adore her.
Then I went out and bought makeup. I made it a competition actually. Relatively unknown in Olympic circles unfortunately as I would have had a definite win. I went and replaced the drab "High school left overs" / "What he wanted me to be's" hanging in my closet. With cute shirts and jeans and dresses. (and SHOES!!)
I then went out and made a thousand friends. Shopping friends, Work friends, Church friends, Wednesday friends, Friday friends, Whatever friends, Whenever friends. More to prove a point to myself then too .....have friends.
Then I got tough. I got callused and I hid a lot of feelings. I acted like things didn't bother me when they did and acted nonchalant about everything. To quote an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I played it cucumber. As in cool as a...
Mostly because I refused to be taken advantage of again. No one was ever going to make me feel the way I felt. I was never going to feel Used, Ugly, Stupid or taken advantage of ever again. No one was ever getting that close again to even be able to try to. Ever again.
....then I met Josh....
...and It was really hard......
.....you've probably never heard anyone say it was hard to fall in love.....but it was for me....
not because of him or anything he did. Just because of what I had gone through and the damage I have.
So after all that. Here's our first "I Love You."
I had just worked a six hour shift at my job. So I bought us lunch and met Josh in the parking lot in front of our building. For a car picnic. :)
You know sometimes how you have conversations in your head? Where your both sides of the of the conversation? And it just runs on about things. I was on my 2nd week of exactly that and it was just getting louder. It was more like The Defense and The Prosecution. Then the Judge and Jury all in there talking and bantering. It was going something like this.
Brain: You like him.
Me: What?! No.
Brain: Oh Yeah. You do.
Me: No way.
Brain: Oh yeah. You like him. ALOT.
Me: mmmm no.
Brain: Oh yeah. You tots wanna have his curly haired children
Me: Who?
Brain: Oh. You know who.
Me: I don't Josh what your talking about.
Brain: AHAH!
Defense: Objection your honor!
Judge: Sustained.
Me: uhh. no.
Brain: C'mon.
Me: Nope. Not possible.
Prosecution: Why is that?
Me: Because he doesn't even think about me like that.
Jury: What about the text he sent you. Saying he liked you?
Prosecution: What about when he blushes when you walk by?
Judge: Yeah I've seen that to.
Me: Watch it Judge!
Brain: What about that one friend that he told that he wanted to ask you out?
Me: Which time?
Brain: HA! See!
Me:....
Defense: Objection!
Jury: You wanna marry him, and have him some babies, and take his last name, and bake him cake, and kiss his face!!!! I knew it!
Me: That's crazy talk.
Brain: It's so true. She totally thinks about it.
Me: BRAIN!
Me: Why would I ever be that stupid again? So like I love him? What's that? Like who does that?
Brain: Um "who does that?" like...besides everybody?
Me: No... I don't believe in "Love" Men are dogs and once you're in a relationship. They lie or cheat or hurt you and then try to change you. Or get tired of you. Or use and abuse you. For some reason, no one wants me. I only date for free food. You. know that! WE. know that! No one puts baby in the corner! Remember??
Brain: ok. so maybe it used to be like that. but what if it's different this time?
Me: Like what's "Different" He's a boy. I'm a girl. We like each other. What's the difference? They all start this way. They all end that way.
Judge: So you like him.
Me: ....I like him....
Prosecution: A lot?
Me: .....ALOT....
Defense:...ummm...
Me:...crap...
Brain:...You love him...Alot...
Me: i love him a lot
Brain: ...and...
Me: ...I wanna marry him...
Defense: badgering of the witness your honor!!!
And on it would go....and go. But through all that I'm trying to keep a lid on it and stay cucumber and nonchalant. So it had been a bad day. I bring him his lunch. We eat and have a great time. Then he says. "Well I better head back."
So I'm like " K. Bye! I love you"....
and he stops dead in his tracks.....
like he was leaning towards the door, about to lift his butt off the seat to stand up and get out.
and he looks at me with his beautiful soulful brown eyes....
and leans back in.
and I panic....because I have just blown my cover...
So I start to blabber...
...And go into DefCon 1 mode and a full retreat at the same time. So I start to apologize. I say
"I mean haha sorry hah. That slipped off....uh.. out. Haha. I don't want to weird things up. Hah. that wasn't what I meant. Haha.ya know... mess them up... haha "
(I try to open my door.)
"haah..."
(it's locked.)
" haha..."
(..but that doesn't register..)
"...um hahha...uh...
(I still keep trying to open it anyway.)
"..between us. haha."
(and I'm in the driver's seat)
" haaa..."
(and it's my own car, I'm trying to leave)
So to recap: I have just dropped the L-bomb on the boy I have been kinda obsessing over for the last 2 weeks. Not just obsessing over him. Obsessing over Marrying him AND spending our lives together. The boy I haven't kissed or told anyone my feelings for yet. Because I was scared. Scared to love him. Scared to share him. Scared to make it real. Scared to be vulnerable again. Scared that now that I have realized all this. Something had to happen. Something had to change, it was going to change, a conversation had to happen now and I was afraid of it hurting. Hurting so much. Oh. And now after I have dropped said "Love you. Need you. Want to Husband you." Nuclear Bunker Buster on/all over him. I am now viciously trying to exit the vehicle. MY vehicle, that I'm driving, that I drove up in. Furiously trying to work that handle. Trying to get out. Like I owe him money. Like there is a dead body in the trunk. Like we are at the mall and he is trying to sell me lotion or get me to take a survey at a kiosk.
So then I look back at him and his eyes have gone from me to my hand on the handle.
Then I say. "You don't have to say it back" (but I wanted him to) I look at him and he is looking at my hand still viciously trying to work the door lock.
And then I stop completely...all systems fail. I admit defeat and all I can squeak out is a small. "...sorry ....I know things change when people say that. And I don't want to weird you out or anything."....
and I turn away. Trying to prepare for the letdown, the break up awkward non-committal talk that he will surely give me.
Then Josh says.
"I love you too....And everything's going to be okay."
...and I believe him.
He then reaches out to me and wraps his arms around me and holds me and I feel still and safe. I feel a relief wash over me. Then I break down. I cry. I cry hard right into his chest. Because all I've ever wanted is for someone to love me. I cry uncontrollable sobs on his uniform, an ugly deep, emotional cry. With snot and slobber and all sorts of mascara and hair stuck to the sides of my face with tears. And he just holds me. And we just sit for a while until I can stop crying. I'm about to try to break the ice by saying something funny. (Like I do) something like. "Heey Sorry about all that crazy that just spilled all over...wahaha" Or something else lame. Then he says to me.
"Do you ever think about getting married?"
I say. "Uhm...Yeah....a lot actually. ...today even."
Then somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a gavel and a judge say.
"Case Dismissed!!"
I wanted to share this
http://katespencer.tumblr.com/post/6333456608/today-a-man-touched-me-on-the-subway-and-so-i-hit-him
When I come across something that perfectly words feelings I have felt. I always want to share it. It's something so universally known and experienced by women. The only thing that can stop it completely from ever happening to begin with is where it starts....men.
This isn't for any one to comment on or to start any debates or conversations. It's only for me.
~Nan
When I come across something that perfectly words feelings I have felt. I always want to share it. It's something so universally known and experienced by women. The only thing that can stop it completely from ever happening to begin with is where it starts....men.
This isn't for any one to comment on or to start any debates or conversations. It's only for me.
~Nan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)